The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you had me at cake vodka
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
