yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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