I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
