dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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