Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
