So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
