I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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