Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
