i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
high people should be assigned attendants
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
