i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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