she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
