thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
