I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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