I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
