I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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