I queefed so loud it echoed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
