I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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