She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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