wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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