theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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