The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
