If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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