theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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