fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
