Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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