toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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