I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
