vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
