Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
