I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
