Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
