you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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