How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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