So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
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