I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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