Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
