She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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