Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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