I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
