i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
