I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
