I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
