Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
