apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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