so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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