i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
