I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
