Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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