and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
