I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
