Yo dont text me then not text me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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