I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
