Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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